Sunday, October 16, 2011

RIP: Sir Einstein

It was so sudden. Yesterday, I (this is being posted really late, so pretend that it is really 10/15/2011 okay?) noticed that he was not eating.

A few days ago, I had to separate Poe and him to different cages. Poe is really ill right now, so I thought it would be best to separate them. Poe is not contagious so that is not what killed Einstein.

So, I noticed yesterday (10/14/2011) that Einstein had not touched his food or water or fresh stuff. I didn't think anything of it, because they had just been separated. I thought he was just depressed and lonely but over time he would be able to get past it.

Sadly, he was ill. I don't know with what, seeing as how sudden this was. My Mom and I are bird sitting for my Aunt, so I brought Einstein downstairs with us. He could not hold his head up, he refused to eat anything and started to mess himself. Thankfully, he did not pass alone. My Mom was holding him and I was petting him.

This has shocked me to no end. I felt that Poe would pass in the next few weeks, but I was wrong. Poe is doing good (even with the illness) and Einstein has passed.

Rest In Peace my lovely piggie. I am sorry for the abuse you had to have before coming to me. I'm sorry for what your first owners did to you, I am happy that you were able to die with someone who loves you. With all the hay and food and treats you can eat. I love you, I always will and you will always be in my heart.

It has also been just Five months now for Sugar. :'(

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Posting this from my phone in bed. Forgive how short it is.

I had another surgery on Monday, September 12th at 7:30 AM. Dopey has been strick about sleeping at the end of my bed from the moment I came home.

Doesn't he look adorable?!


Sunday, September 11, 2011


"Today, as we mark the tenth anniversar­y of the September 11th 2001 attacks on New York and Washington DC, let us remember all the innocent lives lost and ponder the continuing impact of that tragic day. September 11th reminds us of the horror we human beings can unleash on ourselves when we allow our human intelligen­ce and powerful technology to be overtaken by hatred.

We need to learn from our painful memories of September 11th and become more aware of the destructiv­e consequenc­es that arise when we give in to feelings of hatred. This tragedy in particular has reinforced my belief that fostering a spirit of peaceful co-existen­ce and mutual understand­ing among the world’s peoples and faith traditions is an urgent matter of importance to us all. We must therefore make every effort to ensure that our various faith traditions contribute to build a more caring, peaceful world."

The Dalai Lama
September 9, 2011

Thursday, August 11, 2011


I think I will skip the schooling and the crap that goes with it. I am going to start writing a book, I have the first chapter started now. I just have one problem, I want to publish in another name where NO ONE IN THE WORLD would know that I wrote it. See, my book will be about truth, but with a twist of fake. I know what I want to write will cause more drama, stress and really piss people off. I want to write this FOR ME, not them. I know if I can get "big" and make a lot of money, to where I can move out and live on my own and never have to depend on my "family" again, then I will tell them. I just am afraid of what people will think of my book. I shouldn't care, but I'm scared people will think I'm crazy for the way my imagination runs.

It's not a normal thing, where there is a lover, or a murder or drugs or hell even vampires (well, vampires but not real ones... it's hard to explain.) It's about my real life and what I imagine to escape from it. The characters I have made up in my head feel like they can come to life in my writing. Once it is done, I don't know if I will ever do anything with it. Well, that is if I can even finish it. I still don't know if being a book writer is what I want to do in my life, but if it works out then it will pay the bills you know? I also (saying if I do get published and can make a ton of money) want to donate part of my profits to those in need. I know I will give a part of every book I can publish to animals in need, but right now I really want to help Africa out. They need money and food and medication. They are suffering and kids and babies are dying every second just about. Barely anyone is helping, and those who do get robbed before they items reach where they belong.

Anyway, I need to get back to writing my little book.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


fight ever.

I just had to play "referee" along with my Mom in the worst fight ever. Today was not a good day from the start, but is sure as hell just got worse.

I have NEVER seen my Grandfather, in my 21 years of life, cry because of someone. My Grandmother has just crossed the line of sane to insane. The woman needs to be put in a home for people who have had strokes. She has gone TO FAR!!

After almost seven years (more then that, their entire marriage) of waiting on her hand and foot, my Grandfather forgets one day to empty the potty chair for my Grandmother. (Even though he did, I saw him do it.) She started screaming at him because of it. I stayed out of it until I heard her calling my Mother. She said "GAYLE! GAYLE! I want her in here NOW! She will set your ass straight Roddy!" Even though my Grandmother is the one at fault here.

She then got into his face and scream at him to get out, he is wrong and needs to get out of her house. His name is on the house, his money paid for it. Therefore: his house, not hers. ANYWAY: I called my Mom upstairs when he was starting to shake, turn red and scream in her face. I thought I would be calling 911 to take him to the ER for another heart attack (all of them were brought on by my Grandmother, mind you.)

I really don't know what to do. It really is just a load of bullshit. The more this happens, the worse it gets. My Aunt and Grandmother need to go into a home. Somewhere that is able to take care of them and knows how to deal with them.

I can't anymore. I am 21 years old and should not have to break up a fight between my drunk Grandfather and crazy Grandmother. I should be worrying about college, a job or dating. The normal stuff the average 21 year old has to deal with is nothing I have ever experienced in my life.

Till next time

Friday, August 5, 2011


Someone once said- " There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all the drama and the people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life and getting back up is living." ~ Re-post if you agree 100%


Thursday, August 4, 2011


I thought my blog could use a new layout. After 51 posts, I think it is time for a change. Seeing as my real world life is changing, I think my blog should change with it.

Yesterday, 8/3/11, I could not get out of bed and needed help. I spent all day resting. Until my cousin came over. He hasn't been here in over two years. First time for him and Dopey meeting. They got along really well. Joe listened to everything I had to say, so Dopey behaved. Just goes to show I know what I am talking about when it comes to training him. Joe loved him and only after about 5 minutes, Dopey could be unleashed and let go on his own.

Right now he is sleeping on my bed while I sit here with my back against a heating pad. I will have to call my back dr today to see if I can get an appointment. This pain and moving problem is just getting worse. I hope it has nothing to do with my car accident back in November. If it does, I will be really fucked. I REALLY hope it is not my bed. There is nothing I can do about that. I was denied my disability again. Now my lawyer asked for a hearing in front of a judge.

I did not want it to go this far, but I have no choice at this point. I'm broke, my Grandfather is broke and in debt. I just don't know what else to do at this point. HELP?!?

On another note: I wish I had the money for my GED, then I could take it again so then I could take a writing course at CCBC. I think I might pursue my writing dream. I just don't know how long this will last :P

Seeing as I get bored really fast. Like knitting, I am over it and just have all my stuff sitting on a desk collecting dust.

Well, it's almost 4AM now. I think I will go to bed.
Pass my blog along to your friends and family. I want this thing to start rocking. ;-)


Monday, August 1, 2011

I am half way

To 100 posts. This blog, writing it, has helped me get stuff out and be who I need to be. The more I write, the more I am finding who I am. What makes me happy. I guess writing everything down has helped me see what is really going on in my life, day to day.

Today I finished my room. I moved Dopey's cage and dusted everything. I threw a whole trash bag of crap I don't want anymore away.

The worst thing, I have did it today that was on my "to do list." I cleaned out and put Sugar's cage to the recycling. Now Dopey has a bigger area for his bed and a bigger area to lay in when he wants to sleep.

This will be a VERY short blog, because I'm exhausted and would rather have a cup of tea while watching Dopey swim in the pool.

Pass my blog along please. It is slowly growing and reaching more people. It makes me really happy to know that people are really reading this. After all, this is about my REAL, TRUE and everyday life.


Saturday, July 30, 2011

So many things, so little time

I have so many things that I need to get done around this house. It is just a complete mess! I have a huge list of stuff to get done and once they are done, I have another one to make. It is like a never ending messy cycle.

I have been drinking coffee around the clock and barley sleeping in order to get more things done. I finished three last night, and I was up till 3AM doing them!! I wish I had more help then just my Mom, but that is just how it is. THANKFULLY, the list is stuff her and I came up with together. Stuff like wash the curtains and windows. Replant the plants (done half way, I ran out of dirt!) Clean the hall closets out and get rid of stuff no one uses. That is just a few things we have on there.

Hopefully, we can get the basement done this week. It is the biggest job on the list anyway.

Well, I need to eat something fast and get back to my chores!


PS: Dopey is sick today. He has been throwing up all day. He isn't wanting to get up at all. He has been laying on my bed all day just sleeping. I hope he gets better soon.

Friday, July 29, 2011

I give up

I just don't have the fight left in me anymore. I was feeling so good for about a week, but I didn't think it was going to last very long. I was right too.
I was denied on SSDI again. My lawyer said the court appeal will take three or month months, and that doesn't mean I will know then what my answer is. I have no fight in me anymore to do this shit. He told me on the phone that I should just "get skinny" and get a job. Gee, thanks. At least I am not paying you for this bull shit.

I truly have no fight in me anymore. I do so much good, that it hurts me twice as hard every time something bad happens. I just keep getting pushed farther and farther into the ground and stepped on for everything I do. I do thank Mama Trash for giving me everything she has. At least one (EXTREMELY) good thing has happened in my life time.

I just should always know that for every good thing that happens to me, one really bad thing will counter it.

So, now my Grandfather is broke. I have no money, and no way of getting a job. What the hell am I supposed to do?! I am 21 years old and should NOT have to be dealing with this shit. I just want to crawl into a little ball and go to sleep.

Monday, July 25, 2011

A little bit..

SO! I will not post anything about Trash Fest: Day two just yet. (YES! I am making you wait. Get over it.)

The new AC and Furnace was put in today. Then I came to find out that my Grandfather is now broke. I want to try to make some money for him, so I have a few ideas in mind. One is an Irish Flag knitted into a blanket. (Like the three colors knitted into their stripes and then sewn together to make the flag part.) I will make some other things also, but that is a start huh?? I am thinking of putting one of Etsy and one on eBay. Etsy I will have a set price and eBay can be for bid. What ever works better will be what I stick with, or maybe I will end up doing both. Who knows?

Only time can tell on that one. I wish my cousin would help out. I mean he owes him a LOT of money anyway. He is making plenty and can share. It would be the right thing to do, instead of sitting in his house looking pretty being financially stable. I wish I could help out more then I could, but I have my own things to take care of. With no income right now, that makes it twice as hard on me. It makes me feel really bad for not being able to contribute to the house I am living in, but there is nothing I can do about it.

(SIDE NOTE: I am watching 'Rizzoli & Isles' on TNT right now.)

My mind just went completely blank. O.O

It is stuck on Trash Fest only LOL! I guess this will have to be the, OH WAIT!
I failed my GED because I had 20 points to low on math, but on my total point for all tests taken, I am 180 points over the passing limit. So, I sorta have it. But because I failed my math, I have to try again. I just don't feel like it right now, but sense Trash Fest, something in me has changed. I am going to do what I have to do in life to be happy. I will NOT let this stupid test break me. I WILL beat it. I will move to Finland. I will do as I please in my life. I feel strong, confident and just plain happy with my life and self right now.

OH! ANOTHER THING!! My cousin had her baby. I saw her last night. she is so tiny and cute. Kinda makes me re-think my wanting to stay single, un-wed and not have any kids. We will see how this goes for me. I have this huge want in me to be like her. To have the house, hubby and kid. Like I said, we will see how that goes in me. It might just me being a girl and having hormones. The fest has really changed a lot within me, I think this is another thing it changed also.

Till next time,

Friday, July 1, 2011

My internet is fixed.

Seventeen days sense my last blog. Comcast sure fucked up this time!

My favorite part about this entire thing, they blamed me for their failure to include the wireless router when they sent the modem. WOW!!! Yet, I have to pay them. Oh well, not my loss.

Well, I mean sure I wasted TWO HOURS on the phone arguing with about 16 people. So, it was a loss of time, but nothing else. Same internet as before, same strength as before, same everything. Just a different box.

(I'm watching Criminal Minds and they are in Mexico (supposedly) and for some odd reason, I ALWAYS crave lemonade during this show.)

I miss Sugar, a lot. I still have not be able to get rid of her cage. My brain does not want to comprehend her death yet. I still talk to her like she is there, half way into it, I remember she isn't here anymore. I can't stand being in the pool yet, too close to her grave for me :(

I want to be able to hold her and cuddle with her and love on her. I can't do that anymore. I was petting the boys last night and realized Einstein seemed a little down. After holding him, by himself (no Poe) he seemed to perk up. I put him on the couch to run around and play and he ate lots of cucumber.

Poe is still his same old nut case, just a little sad too. I think he knows too. Do you think that they can "talk" without speech? I wonder if Einstein told him about Sugar's death??

I was very angry and highly upset at the vet for not returning my phone call. I felt like she was just ignoring me, her death and loving her paycheck. Then I received a card and hand written note in the mail from her. I really wish that I had the money to take Einstein and Poe in for regular exams right now. I just don't think I could take any more bad news.

I am not allowed to give details right now, but the people involved know what this is about.
I feel selfish about thinking of myself right now, instead of him. I feel like "oh thanks for doing what you did, kay bye." I feel weird about it. I don't know the full details about the situation. I wish the person who did this, would just grow the fuck up. (Hell, I know a lot of people who need to grow up.)

*Sigh* I just don't get it. If you wanted it, why did you start this crap?? I never did like you, and now I really "dislike you." (Just to make this blog entry a little nicer.)

OKAY, SO!! I have had several blood tests, exams, ultrasound and dr visits. I have been having a few problems I will not be listing here, but I will say that I am in horrible pain all day/night long. The pain is getting worse daily and sometimes is a sharp throbbing pain.
I am on a high dose of pain medication and bed rest. (Again with the damn bed rest.)

I guess this is just the story of my life now. Staying at "home" in bed with no friends or life. I should just give up and live in a hospital room. It would be quicker and easier on me. Less time wasted on transportation too!

So many things have happened in the last few weeks, that I don't know exactly how to fit it into just one entry. I guess I will have to do another entry tomorrow.

My pain meds are kicking in and I'm getting really tired, I will write more later.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Dopey's Birthday

Today is Dopey's birthday.

He is now two years old!!!!

For dinner, he (and Zoe) will be having HAMBURGERS for dinner!! I went to the store just for him. Am I nuts?

My Grandfather (his Great Grandfather) is cooking it for him!! ------->

He will love it I bet. My Grandfather loved doing it. Thought it was really funny to do it too.

BURGER IS DONE!! <----------

Dopey was going nuts for it. He was running in circles and freaking out. I cut it up really fast into bite size chunks and he woofed (no pun) it down!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

R.I.P. Sugar

I walked into Petco in Ellicott City one day for the normal list of Guinea Pig supplies for Teddy. The manager knew me then and said he just got a drop off of a female Guinea Pig. "She comes with a cage, bowls, water bottle, litter and food. Want to take a look? You can take her for free if you want, no one knows she is here yet." I sighed, said okay then. When I went up to her cage, she was racing and running. She had moved her bowls and Pigloo around into a figure eight. I watched Sugar running around them, jumping up and down from her Pigloo. Laughing at her, I told my Mom "we have to take her!"

She settled into her new home nicely. Her and Teddy got along really well. He would protect her and guard her with his life.

Once he died, she stopped eating and became very depressed. After a few months, she didn't stop. That is when I adopted Poe and Einstein. She perked up, started eating and running around again. Till about two weeks ago. She wasn't eating, drinking or talking.

It was only six days ago when I found out that Miss. Vanilla Sugar Latte had Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma.

She put up a good fight.

I will miss my Free Piggie.
Rest In Peace Sugar
November 24, 2007 - June 12, 2011

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Sugar and clay

Hey everyone.
Sugar is doing okay. She started having diarrhea. (I think it is good, seeing as she was not doing anything before this!) She peed today also. I hope they are good signs and not signs of incontinence. She went to the vet with her pal, Einstein. He kept her calm for the most part. When the vet tech had me to her IV injection, that killed me because she was screaming in pain, she ran right into the crate with him once she was done. He pushed her behind him and glared at us. I swear he was thinking he would bite us if I touched her again.

She started her medication also. It should shock/shrink/destroy the cancer. Let's hope right? I mean at this point that is all I have to go with. Right now, all three piggies are resting. Sugar does nothing but sleep, unless I get her out for her medication. After her first dose today, she seemed to perk up a bit. She was walking around on the couch a little bit too. I didn't want her doing to much, so she won't stress herself out.

I have done nothing but cry sense I found out. My emotions and nerves are just shot at this point. I know I am having some kind of break down right now. I get up everyday and keep going on with life, but I feel like I am on auto pilot now. I get up, do what I have to do and go back to bed, only to do it all over again the next day.

Poe is the brown one. Einstein is the grey one. Sugar is the yellow/white one.

I still miss her mate, Teddy. He was my second Guinea Pig. Dink was my first, when I was like 6 I think? So I have now owned a total of five Guinea Pigs. Two have died, one is dying and two are (hopefully) healthy.

I need my SSDI more then ever right now. I want to take Poe and Einstein in for full check ups.


On another note: I started my adventure into Polymer Clay! I made a few things tonight. I hope they turned out okay. I will know by afternoon. I will post photos then too. Does anyone know how to make a light box/take good photos?


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

First Etsy Listing!!

I just listed my first post on my Etsy shop. I have tried Craigslist, Yardsellr and other sites to sell the yarn skeins I don't want. No luck yet, simply because I can not ship them. One, I think it would cost WAY to much to ship them. Two, I can not find a box (ANYWHERE) that they will fit in.

I have to get them out of my room. I will never use them, I will not be able to keep storing them. THEY HAVE TO GO!!

Local pick up, cash only and please bring your own box to put them in.


PS: I have some bad news. The vet called me today regarding Sugar. She has Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. It is in her spleen now too. I will take her back to the vet today, so I can learn to give her fluids and try some medication on her. She said Guinea Pigs do not respond to chemotherapy. There is another medication that she and other vets have had some luck with in the past. That is what we will try (I can not remember the name of it.)

I really don't know if I can take anymore. I keep taking everything that is thrown at me, brushing myself off and moving on. When till that get old?? Please pray for her, myself and my family. Thank you. I will keep you posted on her.

Monday, June 6, 2011

End Of The Line..

For my pool..
RIP my dear pool. The only thing keeping my dog's and I cool on the hottest days of the summer. The only thing giving me a break from the "nut house" that I live in. The only thing keeping Dopey knocked out all day after an hour in the pool.

My Dad won't get back to me on an AC unit, so I highly doubt he will. Like always, my Grandfather will have to find the money to support me. I am starting to think the same way as the other Grandkids, that he is my real father. After all, he has been the one to be by my side (drunk as hell but still) and always support me. To take care of me and help raise me.

Where was Mike? For the most of it, down the street with his, now, ex-wife. Never a phone call, birthday present or even a card in the mail. My Grandmother would send me cards at least. (She stopped after a while, but at least she made the effort.) I would see EVERYTHING that came in for me. My mom, grandfather and everyone else never held any of it back.

ANYWAY, now I have no pool, ac and the summer is barely started. I am going NUTS living here and I think I'm having a mental break down. Before the month is out, don't be shocked if I am in the mental ward in the hospital.

Just saying.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


Yesterday, my mom noticed that my Guinea Pig (Sugar) had a lot of stuff around her eyes. It looked bad and she was struggling to breath. I called the vet, thinking it was an upper resp.

Boy was I wrong..
I took her today, the vet said "possibly cancer of the lymph nodes". Six tests later, a bag of fluids and a dose of medication, it was $204.60.

I don't have that kind of money to spend!!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Hold back tears..

Why is it that every time she comes over, we talk a bit and then she leaves, I cry my eyes out?? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I really don't understand why I do that. Nor what it is about her that makes me like this. Maybe my emotions are just built up to much. I mean, I don't talk more then 20 words a day. In 24 hours, 20 words is nothing. I should just be a mute at this point in time. It would be about the same. I keep everything to myself because I tend to piss everyone off when I don't. YET, I piss everyone off when I do. So where do I win in my life? I don't care how hard I bust my ass to make everyone like me and to keep everyone happy, no one gives a shit.

I keep EVERYTHING inside me. I don't think anyone knows the real me and at this point I have been so fake to be likable, I don't know the real me. I'm having some major problems and I have NO ONE to talk too. I have no shoulder to turn to. I have nothing and no one. I am ALWAYS the person to turn too, the shoulder to cry on. When is it my turn?

I feel like the real me is about to die and the shell (aka the fake one) is about to just shine and smile 24/7.

I barely cry anymore, when I do, it's only in aproriate moments. Like a funeral, bad news, good news. You know, the times when real people have emotions. I feel like I am on autopilot and I'm not really awake. I just get up and do what I got to do and go back to sleep. I want to drink, smoke and screw around. I feel crazy, I'm told I am, why not start acting like it??

I swear, if I wasn't broke, I would be at a bar right now hitting on the ugliest fuck there and bumming ciggs from everyone. I just don't know what to say to please anyone anymore. I am out of ideas.. Drained..

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I think...

I think it's to much to ask to be loved. No one notices me anymore unless it's to dump on me.

About to kill myself

Re-cap of yesterday:
I woke up, got screamed at. Went back to sleep crying my eyes out. Woke up, called my dad to pay for my Rx's and went to pick them up. Came home, walked Dopey. Got almost home and had the worst panic attack in my life. I almost passed out, I couldn't breath and I knew people were talking to me but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I got home, my aunt shoved the phone in my face wanting me to talk to her son WHO I SAID I WOULD CALL WHEN I GOT BACK! (Just goes to show, NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS TO ME!)
My Grandfather called 911, only because I choked out for him too. While I sat on the couch trying to breath, using my inhaler, I started passing out. I thought it was an ashma attack so I used my inhaler. Nothing. EMS showed up, my neighbors swarmed the house thinking it was one of my family members. The second my mom said "it's Katie, she can't breath" you could see it all over their faces "oh who cares" and they all walked away. (I know I'm loved.)

They made everyone leave and told me I'm having a panic attack. Hmm, maybe it's because on the way home I was anticipating the screaming and fighting? Maybe it was the knowledge of always being blamed for stuff I haven't done? Who knows. All I know, they had to use oxygen and get me to sit back with my eyes closed. It took about 20 minutes before I was able to breath okay. I started sobbing and they got me calm again.

About 5AM that night, I heard a loud noise in the kitchen. I went out to make sure everything was okay. My Grandfather was so drunk he was clinging to the sink, trying to not fall over. I just sighed and walked away. I don't give a shit anymore. He doesn't remember if anyone helps him or not, so why try?? He doesn't want my help, or any ones for that matter.

Now, I just woke up and I was sitting, calmly, with Dopey in the front room on here, about to write about yesterday and how I am still worried about myself. What happens? I talk to say SIMPLY "I think it was a car" to my Grandmother asking what a noise was. What happens? THEY SCREAM AT ME SAYING I NEED TO SHOW MORE RESPECT AND TALK TO THEM NICELY! I'm so sick and fucking tired of crying my eyes out. Now I'm having panic attack because of them, and it's all because I was heading home. No wonder I'm stressed out and sick to my stomach all the time.
I had just ate too, I threw up what I ate because I got so sick from it. I'm so sick of this bullshit.

Not that anyone reads this or even gives a damn about me anymore. I lost the only two friends I had because I voiced my feelings. I mean, it's no wonder I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I can't even be open with the people I THOUGHT I could trust. I deleted my FB because I have no use for it when I have no friends on there.

Right now, I could walk into the kitchen and slit my throat and no one would give a shit. Sure, they would care about the mess I made with my blood but that is it.
I think one day I'll cry so hard because of them, I'll start crying blood. I really give up on life. I give up on being happy. I'm not going to have the surgery's because it will only make it harder on me to get up and walk away from them. I'm sick of being shut in a tiny, cluttered room everyday until everyone is asleep.

I don't know if my family know I'm even alive, why do I say that? An invite came in for a family party. My crazy Aunt and everyone else was invited. I was excited and when I took it too look at it my mom said "oh, you weren't invited." Goes to show, no one in this family give a shit about me. I'm sick of walking in the shadows and being depressed. Nothing will change that.

I wish Bill and Tom Kaulitz would come and save me..

Friday, May 20, 2011


Why is it, that when I tell EVERYONE to leave me alone so I can deal with stuff on my own, and then ignore those who try to reach out to me, they get pissed at me like it's my fault?

When I say "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, FUCK OFF" I don't mean "call me, text me, call my house phone, show up, message me, leave messages on my wall." If you take that as me being rude, harsh, inconsiderate or what ever you think I am being. GUESS WHAT!! YOUR WRONG!! I asked for space, I kept saying I wanted to be left alone and when no one did, I GOT PISSED OFF!

Next time I say "leave me alone" JUST FOR THE RECORD it means LEAVE ME ALONE!!! It does NOT mean call me, text me, message me and what ever else.

HELL!! I DID THIS TO PROTECT MY FRIENDS! TO NOT HURT ANYONE! It is NOT my fault if you didn't listen and therefore, got hurt. Want to end our friendship because YOU didn't listen and thought I was being mean? Go ahead, I don't give a shit. I already deleted your number the second I found out. I just don't give a damn anymore.

From now on, it is only about me. I am only out to make myself happy and take care of only ME from now on. If people get hurt in the process of my journey to happiness, oh well! Don't like it? Fuck off.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sick as a dog

I woke up sick. Throwing up, stomach pain and a horrible headache. Hell, I can't even spell (thankfully, I have spell check!) I don't know why I have to be sick all the time. I have no life because of it. I don't want to go out with people because if something happens, who will take me to the ER/Hospital? I highly doubt someone would want to leave what is going on to sit for hours with me in the ER. (YES I HATE MY MOM) My mom is the only person who would. I could easily get a cab, I just don't feel like paying them.

I have to lay down, so this is incredibly short.
I received a post card today with this written on it
"Hello Kate!
Congratulations on killing Osama Bin Laden!
I'm from Rio!
Have you watched the movie yet?"

Who puts "congrats for killing" on a postcard?! REALLY!?

I don't get it..

Why is that no matter what I say, do or write, I ALWAYS manage to piss everyone off? I'm sorry if you don't like my FEELINGS and what I am thinking at that time. Sorry if my life is so inconvenient too you. It's not my fault that I FEEL the way I do, and I sure as hell am not blaming you or ANYONE. Maybe I'm not clear, maybe the way I put it is just how I ment it. Who knows. I'm not going to take back what I said. I'm not going to beg for forgiveness.

I'm tried of trying to please everyone and only being shit on in return. I'm tired of my stomach turning with every word I say. I'm SICK of being a reck because I don't know what I will say or do to upset someone. My nerves are shot and I'm having a mental break down. I know it 100% now that is what is going on inside me. That is why I have been the way I am right now. A complete mess.

I have nothing else to say. I can't please everyone and at this point, I will only try to please one person. Myself.

Have a problem with it? Then FUCK OFF!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Am I going crazy?

I feel like I am. My emotions are all over the place. I can't stop crying. I don't know how to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Writing them out is something that feels like it is impossible to do. I might be a little unreasonable right now, but that is how I feel. I feel like self harm, doing things that are not to good for you. Like smoke, drink and screw around. I feel like my life is worth nothing and I have no reason to live.

I don't get alone with my family (that is, if I even had one) and my "friends" live out of state. I have no one to turn to unless I want to text. I hate my phone right now and I don't even want to be typing this. For once in my life, I would rather be speaking and getting it out in sobs and being held by someone who I felt gives a damn about me.

I, frankly, don't feel anyone does. I feel like I do nothing but annoy everyone. Like I'm the one who is always "complaining" and bugging you. I keep everything inside and just explode at points because I have no one to talk to. Therapy doesn't work, phone calls and text message don't work. I don't want to talk to my sister or brother or dad. I want a real friend. Someone who I know I can go to and break down and not feel like I am a bother or a waste of time.

Until now, music was my outlet. Slowly that turned into abusing sleeping pills to pass out for hours on end. Now I'm back to the sharp pain of needing to cut. I even gave in once. I just don't have the strength to fight my inner demons anymore. I need someone to do it for me now. I need help. I'm crying out for it and it's like no one gives a damn till I get to the point of suicide. I lay in bed during the day and hear everyone in my house laughing, my neighbors outside talking. Everyone goes on about their life without me being there, so why should I stay alive?

I try to read, listen to music, watch TV and so on to drown it all out but I still know what is going on. I wonder if my family could take care of my dog and guinea pigs without me. I wonder what would happen if I was not here. A part of me wants to join in some kind of organization that could risk my life, but save another. The only time I hear from anyone, no matter what day or time, is when they need something or have some baggage to dump on me. Yes, I'm your friend, BUT IT WORKS BOTH WAYS! I feel used, unappreciated and I feel like no matter how hard I try to reach the light at the end of the tunnel or climb out of the hole I am in, I don't get to the light. I have no more energy and fight left in me. I need everyone more then ever, but it is almost like I am invisible.

"I was walking in the shadows
so nobody cared
you smiled at me from the distance
and we felt there's more to share

All these memories
They come back when I'm asleep
You've taken my dreams

I don't need no fakes around me
All I want is you to be with me
Here I am
All these words have lost their meaning
I just hope you hear my silent scream

I still hear the distant voices
Spreading rumors and lies
I took you to my darkest places
So far away from the skies

I would charm you
We made vows to not let go
But where are you now?

I don't need no fakes around me
All I want is you to be with me
Here I am
All these words have lost their meaning
I just hope you hear my silent scream

I'm so numb
Can't you hear me?
Here I am
There is something inside me
That still wants to feel

I don't need no fakes around me
All I want is you to be with me
Here I am
All these words have lost their meaning
I just hope you hear my silent scream"

To describe how I feel, I will use a few parts of that song.
I'm walking in the shadows. All these memories, they come back when I'm asleep. I don't need no fakes around me, all I want is you to be with me. Here I am! I just hope you hear my silent scream. I still hear the distant voices, spreading rumors and lies. I'm so numb. Can't you hear me? Here I am! There is something inside me, that still wants to feel.

Another capture from another song:
Broken down like a mirror smashed to pieces
You learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smile
If these walls could talk they would have so much to say
Cause every time you fight the scars are gonna heal but there never gonna go away

There's only hate
There's only tears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh so what will you do?
There's only lies
There's only fears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh no So what will you do?

Your falling, your screaming
Your stuck in the same old nightmare
He's lying, your crying
There's nothing left to salvage
Kick the door cause this is over
Get me out of here


I am just done at this point. Life keeps throwing rocks at me and knocking me back down. I don't have the strength to get back up anymore. I wish someone would reach their hand out to me and help me up. Brush me off and walk by my side. I'm tired of being the person who helps others but never gets the help without a fight. I can't do it anymore. The little bit of me that is still alive doesn't have much left. The abuse is getting worse everyday. My body is shutting down and their is nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of the 2983948 doctors and all the fucking blood work that goes with them. I WISH I WAS BORN NORMAL!

I resent my parents a lot for giving life to me. I wish you could see into your kids future to see if they have this b.s. like me and what you would do if you knew. I want kids, I love them secretly but I'm scared they will turn out like me. I don't have the strength to do it alone and I know I would be. I wish for once in my life, things would be easy and stress free. I just don't have the strength to fight anymore. I have given up now. I can't keep trying to only fall harder... Someone save me from myself..

Monday, May 16, 2011

Sick and tired

I am getting so sick of these people at Social Security! Now I have to deal with them again. My lawyer is getting ticked at them now. I have to fill out the exact same papers as I did before. When I appealed their choice on denying me, I filled out everything. When I first applied, I filled out the papers. Everything I have to do, it is the SAME papers. Do they really think what I write is going to change? Do they think a few months later will change that I have scoliosis? Do they think that they are going to win this?

I will fight this till I win. I need this income, I can't work. What employer would want to hire me, a person who is sick almost 24/7? I mean sure, I can go a few days/weeks being "okay" but then I can have anything happen to me at any time and I'll be out for a few weeks to a year. Who knows if I will ever need another spine surgery. Who knows if I will need my sinus' done again. Who knows when the next cyst will pop up (like now.)

I mean, right now I am looking at needing my thyroids out and having my new cyst removed. That is two surgeries right there! I need my knees done too, but I have no clue when I can do that.

Now I have to sit and fill out all these damn papers again?! I'm so SICK of this shit. I thought this would have been easy and made my life better. Boy was I wrong!! Now I have to go fill out the same fucking papers as I always do. How fun? This is just how I wanted to spend my night!