Sunday, May 22, 2011

I think...

I think it's to much to ask to be loved. No one notices me anymore unless it's to dump on me.

About to kill myself

Re-cap of yesterday:
I woke up, got screamed at. Went back to sleep crying my eyes out. Woke up, called my dad to pay for my Rx's and went to pick them up. Came home, walked Dopey. Got almost home and had the worst panic attack in my life. I almost passed out, I couldn't breath and I knew people were talking to me but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I got home, my aunt shoved the phone in my face wanting me to talk to her son WHO I SAID I WOULD CALL WHEN I GOT BACK! (Just goes to show, NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS TO ME!)
My Grandfather called 911, only because I choked out for him too. While I sat on the couch trying to breath, using my inhaler, I started passing out. I thought it was an ashma attack so I used my inhaler. Nothing. EMS showed up, my neighbors swarmed the house thinking it was one of my family members. The second my mom said "it's Katie, she can't breath" you could see it all over their faces "oh who cares" and they all walked away. (I know I'm loved.)

They made everyone leave and told me I'm having a panic attack. Hmm, maybe it's because on the way home I was anticipating the screaming and fighting? Maybe it was the knowledge of always being blamed for stuff I haven't done? Who knows. All I know, they had to use oxygen and get me to sit back with my eyes closed. It took about 20 minutes before I was able to breath okay. I started sobbing and they got me calm again.

About 5AM that night, I heard a loud noise in the kitchen. I went out to make sure everything was okay. My Grandfather was so drunk he was clinging to the sink, trying to not fall over. I just sighed and walked away. I don't give a shit anymore. He doesn't remember if anyone helps him or not, so why try?? He doesn't want my help, or any ones for that matter.

Now, I just woke up and I was sitting, calmly, with Dopey in the front room on here, about to write about yesterday and how I am still worried about myself. What happens? I talk to say SIMPLY "I think it was a car" to my Grandmother asking what a noise was. What happens? THEY SCREAM AT ME SAYING I NEED TO SHOW MORE RESPECT AND TALK TO THEM NICELY! I'm so sick and fucking tired of crying my eyes out. Now I'm having panic attack because of them, and it's all because I was heading home. No wonder I'm stressed out and sick to my stomach all the time.
I had just ate too, I threw up what I ate because I got so sick from it. I'm so sick of this bullshit.

Not that anyone reads this or even gives a damn about me anymore. I lost the only two friends I had because I voiced my feelings. I mean, it's no wonder I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I can't even be open with the people I THOUGHT I could trust. I deleted my FB because I have no use for it when I have no friends on there.

Right now, I could walk into the kitchen and slit my throat and no one would give a shit. Sure, they would care about the mess I made with my blood but that is it.
I think one day I'll cry so hard because of them, I'll start crying blood. I really give up on life. I give up on being happy. I'm not going to have the surgery's because it will only make it harder on me to get up and walk away from them. I'm sick of being shut in a tiny, cluttered room everyday until everyone is asleep.

I don't know if my family know I'm even alive, why do I say that? An invite came in for a family party. My crazy Aunt and everyone else was invited. I was excited and when I took it too look at it my mom said "oh, you weren't invited." Goes to show, no one in this family give a shit about me. I'm sick of walking in the shadows and being depressed. Nothing will change that.

I wish Bill and Tom Kaulitz would come and save me..

Friday, May 20, 2011


Why is it, that when I tell EVERYONE to leave me alone so I can deal with stuff on my own, and then ignore those who try to reach out to me, they get pissed at me like it's my fault?

When I say "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, FUCK OFF" I don't mean "call me, text me, call my house phone, show up, message me, leave messages on my wall." If you take that as me being rude, harsh, inconsiderate or what ever you think I am being. GUESS WHAT!! YOUR WRONG!! I asked for space, I kept saying I wanted to be left alone and when no one did, I GOT PISSED OFF!

Next time I say "leave me alone" JUST FOR THE RECORD it means LEAVE ME ALONE!!! It does NOT mean call me, text me, message me and what ever else.

HELL!! I DID THIS TO PROTECT MY FRIENDS! TO NOT HURT ANYONE! It is NOT my fault if you didn't listen and therefore, got hurt. Want to end our friendship because YOU didn't listen and thought I was being mean? Go ahead, I don't give a shit. I already deleted your number the second I found out. I just don't give a damn anymore.

From now on, it is only about me. I am only out to make myself happy and take care of only ME from now on. If people get hurt in the process of my journey to happiness, oh well! Don't like it? Fuck off.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sick as a dog

I woke up sick. Throwing up, stomach pain and a horrible headache. Hell, I can't even spell (thankfully, I have spell check!) I don't know why I have to be sick all the time. I have no life because of it. I don't want to go out with people because if something happens, who will take me to the ER/Hospital? I highly doubt someone would want to leave what is going on to sit for hours with me in the ER. (YES I HATE MY MOM) My mom is the only person who would. I could easily get a cab, I just don't feel like paying them.

I have to lay down, so this is incredibly short.
I received a post card today with this written on it
"Hello Kate!
Congratulations on killing Osama Bin Laden!
I'm from Rio!
Have you watched the movie yet?"

Who puts "congrats for killing" on a postcard?! REALLY!?

I don't get it..

Why is that no matter what I say, do or write, I ALWAYS manage to piss everyone off? I'm sorry if you don't like my FEELINGS and what I am thinking at that time. Sorry if my life is so inconvenient too you. It's not my fault that I FEEL the way I do, and I sure as hell am not blaming you or ANYONE. Maybe I'm not clear, maybe the way I put it is just how I ment it. Who knows. I'm not going to take back what I said. I'm not going to beg for forgiveness.

I'm tried of trying to please everyone and only being shit on in return. I'm tired of my stomach turning with every word I say. I'm SICK of being a reck because I don't know what I will say or do to upset someone. My nerves are shot and I'm having a mental break down. I know it 100% now that is what is going on inside me. That is why I have been the way I am right now. A complete mess.

I have nothing else to say. I can't please everyone and at this point, I will only try to please one person. Myself.

Have a problem with it? Then FUCK OFF!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Am I going crazy?

I feel like I am. My emotions are all over the place. I can't stop crying. I don't know how to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Writing them out is something that feels like it is impossible to do. I might be a little unreasonable right now, but that is how I feel. I feel like self harm, doing things that are not to good for you. Like smoke, drink and screw around. I feel like my life is worth nothing and I have no reason to live.

I don't get alone with my family (that is, if I even had one) and my "friends" live out of state. I have no one to turn to unless I want to text. I hate my phone right now and I don't even want to be typing this. For once in my life, I would rather be speaking and getting it out in sobs and being held by someone who I felt gives a damn about me.

I, frankly, don't feel anyone does. I feel like I do nothing but annoy everyone. Like I'm the one who is always "complaining" and bugging you. I keep everything inside and just explode at points because I have no one to talk to. Therapy doesn't work, phone calls and text message don't work. I don't want to talk to my sister or brother or dad. I want a real friend. Someone who I know I can go to and break down and not feel like I am a bother or a waste of time.

Until now, music was my outlet. Slowly that turned into abusing sleeping pills to pass out for hours on end. Now I'm back to the sharp pain of needing to cut. I even gave in once. I just don't have the strength to fight my inner demons anymore. I need someone to do it for me now. I need help. I'm crying out for it and it's like no one gives a damn till I get to the point of suicide. I lay in bed during the day and hear everyone in my house laughing, my neighbors outside talking. Everyone goes on about their life without me being there, so why should I stay alive?

I try to read, listen to music, watch TV and so on to drown it all out but I still know what is going on. I wonder if my family could take care of my dog and guinea pigs without me. I wonder what would happen if I was not here. A part of me wants to join in some kind of organization that could risk my life, but save another. The only time I hear from anyone, no matter what day or time, is when they need something or have some baggage to dump on me. Yes, I'm your friend, BUT IT WORKS BOTH WAYS! I feel used, unappreciated and I feel like no matter how hard I try to reach the light at the end of the tunnel or climb out of the hole I am in, I don't get to the light. I have no more energy and fight left in me. I need everyone more then ever, but it is almost like I am invisible.

"I was walking in the shadows
so nobody cared
you smiled at me from the distance
and we felt there's more to share

All these memories
They come back when I'm asleep
You've taken my dreams

I don't need no fakes around me
All I want is you to be with me
Here I am
All these words have lost their meaning
I just hope you hear my silent scream

I still hear the distant voices
Spreading rumors and lies
I took you to my darkest places
So far away from the skies

I would charm you
We made vows to not let go
But where are you now?

I don't need no fakes around me
All I want is you to be with me
Here I am
All these words have lost their meaning
I just hope you hear my silent scream

I'm so numb
Can't you hear me?
Here I am
There is something inside me
That still wants to feel

I don't need no fakes around me
All I want is you to be with me
Here I am
All these words have lost their meaning
I just hope you hear my silent scream"

To describe how I feel, I will use a few parts of that song.
I'm walking in the shadows. All these memories, they come back when I'm asleep. I don't need no fakes around me, all I want is you to be with me. Here I am! I just hope you hear my silent scream. I still hear the distant voices, spreading rumors and lies. I'm so numb. Can't you hear me? Here I am! There is something inside me, that still wants to feel.

Another capture from another song:
Broken down like a mirror smashed to pieces
You learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smile
If these walls could talk they would have so much to say
Cause every time you fight the scars are gonna heal but there never gonna go away

There's only hate
There's only tears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh so what will you do?
There's only lies
There's only fears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh no So what will you do?

Your falling, your screaming
Your stuck in the same old nightmare
He's lying, your crying
There's nothing left to salvage
Kick the door cause this is over
Get me out of here


I am just done at this point. Life keeps throwing rocks at me and knocking me back down. I don't have the strength to get back up anymore. I wish someone would reach their hand out to me and help me up. Brush me off and walk by my side. I'm tired of being the person who helps others but never gets the help without a fight. I can't do it anymore. The little bit of me that is still alive doesn't have much left. The abuse is getting worse everyday. My body is shutting down and their is nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of the 2983948 doctors and all the fucking blood work that goes with them. I WISH I WAS BORN NORMAL!

I resent my parents a lot for giving life to me. I wish you could see into your kids future to see if they have this b.s. like me and what you would do if you knew. I want kids, I love them secretly but I'm scared they will turn out like me. I don't have the strength to do it alone and I know I would be. I wish for once in my life, things would be easy and stress free. I just don't have the strength to fight anymore. I have given up now. I can't keep trying to only fall harder... Someone save me from myself..

Monday, May 16, 2011

Sick and tired

I am getting so sick of these people at Social Security! Now I have to deal with them again. My lawyer is getting ticked at them now. I have to fill out the exact same papers as I did before. When I appealed their choice on denying me, I filled out everything. When I first applied, I filled out the papers. Everything I have to do, it is the SAME papers. Do they really think what I write is going to change? Do they think a few months later will change that I have scoliosis? Do they think that they are going to win this?

I will fight this till I win. I need this income, I can't work. What employer would want to hire me, a person who is sick almost 24/7? I mean sure, I can go a few days/weeks being "okay" but then I can have anything happen to me at any time and I'll be out for a few weeks to a year. Who knows if I will ever need another spine surgery. Who knows if I will need my sinus' done again. Who knows when the next cyst will pop up (like now.)

I mean, right now I am looking at needing my thyroids out and having my new cyst removed. That is two surgeries right there! I need my knees done too, but I have no clue when I can do that.

Now I have to sit and fill out all these damn papers again?! I'm so SICK of this shit. I thought this would have been easy and made my life better. Boy was I wrong!! Now I have to go fill out the same fucking papers as I always do. How fun? This is just how I wanted to spend my night!