Sunday, May 22, 2011

About to kill myself

Re-cap of yesterday:
I woke up, got screamed at. Went back to sleep crying my eyes out. Woke up, called my dad to pay for my Rx's and went to pick them up. Came home, walked Dopey. Got almost home and had the worst panic attack in my life. I almost passed out, I couldn't breath and I knew people were talking to me but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I got home, my aunt shoved the phone in my face wanting me to talk to her son WHO I SAID I WOULD CALL WHEN I GOT BACK! (Just goes to show, NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS TO ME!)
My Grandfather called 911, only because I choked out for him too. While I sat on the couch trying to breath, using my inhaler, I started passing out. I thought it was an ashma attack so I used my inhaler. Nothing. EMS showed up, my neighbors swarmed the house thinking it was one of my family members. The second my mom said "it's Katie, she can't breath" you could see it all over their faces "oh who cares" and they all walked away. (I know I'm loved.)

They made everyone leave and told me I'm having a panic attack. Hmm, maybe it's because on the way home I was anticipating the screaming and fighting? Maybe it was the knowledge of always being blamed for stuff I haven't done? Who knows. All I know, they had to use oxygen and get me to sit back with my eyes closed. It took about 20 minutes before I was able to breath okay. I started sobbing and they got me calm again.

About 5AM that night, I heard a loud noise in the kitchen. I went out to make sure everything was okay. My Grandfather was so drunk he was clinging to the sink, trying to not fall over. I just sighed and walked away. I don't give a shit anymore. He doesn't remember if anyone helps him or not, so why try?? He doesn't want my help, or any ones for that matter.

Now, I just woke up and I was sitting, calmly, with Dopey in the front room on here, about to write about yesterday and how I am still worried about myself. What happens? I talk to say SIMPLY "I think it was a car" to my Grandmother asking what a noise was. What happens? THEY SCREAM AT ME SAYING I NEED TO SHOW MORE RESPECT AND TALK TO THEM NICELY! I'm so sick and fucking tired of crying my eyes out. Now I'm having panic attack because of them, and it's all because I was heading home. No wonder I'm stressed out and sick to my stomach all the time.
I had just ate too, I threw up what I ate because I got so sick from it. I'm so sick of this bullshit.

Not that anyone reads this or even gives a damn about me anymore. I lost the only two friends I had because I voiced my feelings. I mean, it's no wonder I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I can't even be open with the people I THOUGHT I could trust. I deleted my FB because I have no use for it when I have no friends on there.

Right now, I could walk into the kitchen and slit my throat and no one would give a shit. Sure, they would care about the mess I made with my blood but that is it.
I think one day I'll cry so hard because of them, I'll start crying blood. I really give up on life. I give up on being happy. I'm not going to have the surgery's because it will only make it harder on me to get up and walk away from them. I'm sick of being shut in a tiny, cluttered room everyday until everyone is asleep.

I don't know if my family know I'm even alive, why do I say that? An invite came in for a family party. My crazy Aunt and everyone else was invited. I was excited and when I took it too look at it my mom said "oh, you weren't invited." Goes to show, no one in this family give a shit about me. I'm sick of walking in the shadows and being depressed. Nothing will change that.

I wish Bill and Tom Kaulitz would come and save me..

No comments:

Post a Comment