Am I going crazy?

I feel like I am. My emotions are all over the place. I can't stop crying. I don't know how to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Writing them out is something that feels like it is impossible to do. I might be a little unreasonable right now, but that is how I feel. I feel like self harm, doing things that are not to good for you. Like smoke, drink and screw around. I feel like my life is worth nothing and I have no reason to live.

I don't get alone with my family (that is, if I even had one) and my "friends" live out of state. I have no one to turn to unless I want to text. I hate my phone right now and I don't even want to be typing this. For once in my life, I would rather be speaking and getting it out in sobs and being held by someone who I felt gives a damn about me.

I, frankly, don't feel anyone does. I feel like I do nothing but annoy everyone. Like I'm the one who is always "complaining" and bugging you. I keep everything inside and just explode at points because I have no one to talk to. Therapy doesn't work, phone calls and text message don't work. I don't want to talk to my sister or brother or dad. I want a real friend. Someone who I know I can go to and break down and not feel like I am a bother or a waste of time.

Until now, music was my outlet. Slowly that turned into abusing sleeping pills to pass out for hours on end. Now I'm back to the sharp pain of needing to cut. I even gave in once. I just don't have the strength to fight my inner demons anymore. I need someone to do it for me now. I need help. I'm crying out for it and it's like no one gives a damn till I get to the point of suicide. I lay in bed during the day and hear everyone in my house laughing, my neighbors outside talking. Everyone goes on about their life without me being there, so why should I stay alive?

I try to read, listen to music, watch TV and so on to drown it all out but I still know what is going on. I wonder if my family could take care of my dog and guinea pigs without me. I wonder what would happen if I was not here. A part of me wants to join in some kind of organization that could risk my life, but save another. The only time I hear from anyone, no matter what day or time, is when they need something or have some baggage to dump on me. Yes, I'm your friend, BUT IT WORKS BOTH WAYS! I feel used, unappreciated and I feel like no matter how hard I try to reach the light at the end of the tunnel or climb out of the hole I am in, I don't get to the light. I have no more energy and fight left in me. I need everyone more then ever, but it is almost like I am invisible.

"I was walking in the shadows
so nobody cared
you smiled at me from the distance
and we felt there's more to share

All these memories
They come back when I'm asleep
You've taken my dreams

I don't need no fakes around me
All I want is you to be with me
Here I am
All these words have lost their meaning
I just hope you hear my silent scream

I still hear the distant voices
Spreading rumors and lies
I took you to my darkest places
So far away from the skies

I would charm you
We made vows to not let go
But where are you now?

I don't need no fakes around me
All I want is you to be with me
Here I am
All these words have lost their meaning
I just hope you hear my silent scream

I'm so numb
Can't you hear me?
Here I am
There is something inside me
That still wants to feel

I don't need no fakes around me
All I want is you to be with me
Here I am
All these words have lost their meaning
I just hope you hear my silent scream"

To describe how I feel, I will use a few parts of that song.
I'm walking in the shadows. All these memories, they come back when I'm asleep. I don't need no fakes around me, all I want is you to be with me. Here I am! I just hope you hear my silent scream. I still hear the distant voices, spreading rumors and lies. I'm so numb. Can't you hear me? Here I am! There is something inside me, that still wants to feel.

Another capture from another song:
Broken down like a mirror smashed to pieces
You learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smile
If these walls could talk they would have so much to say
Cause every time you fight the scars are gonna heal but there never gonna go away

[Chorus:]
There's only hate
There's only tears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh so what will you do?
There's only lies
There's only fears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh no So what will you do?

Your falling, your screaming
Your stuck in the same old nightmare
He's lying, your crying
There's nothing left to salvage
Kick the door cause this is over
Get me out of here

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I am just done at this point. Life keeps throwing rocks at me and knocking me back down. I don't have the strength to get back up anymore. I wish someone would reach their hand out to me and help me up. Brush me off and walk by my side. I'm tired of being the person who helps others but never gets the help without a fight. I can't do it anymore. The little bit of me that is still alive doesn't have much left. The abuse is getting worse everyday. My body is shutting down and their is nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of the 2983948 doctors and all the fucking blood work that goes with them. I WISH I WAS BORN NORMAL!

I resent my parents a lot for giving life to me. I wish you could see into your kids future to see if they have this b.s. like me and what you would do if you knew. I want kids, I love them secretly but I'm scared they will turn out like me. I don't have the strength to do it alone and I know I would be. I wish for once in my life, things would be easy and stress free. I just don't have the strength to fight anymore. I have given up now. I can't keep trying to only fall harder... Someone save me from myself..