Hold back tears..

Why is it that every time she comes over, we talk a bit and then she leaves, I cry my eyes out?? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I really don't understand why I do that. Nor what it is about her that makes me like this. Maybe my emotions are just built up to much. I mean, I don't talk more then 20 words a day. In 24 hours, 20 words is nothing. I should just be a mute at this point in time. It would be about the same. I keep everything to myself because I tend to piss everyone off when I don't. YET, I piss everyone off when I do. So where do I win in my life? I don't care how hard I bust my ass to make everyone like me and to keep everyone happy, no one gives a shit.

I keep EVERYTHING inside me. I don't think anyone knows the real me and at this point I have been so fake to be likable, I don't know the real me. I'm having some major problems and I have NO ONE to talk too. I have no shoulder to turn to. I have nothing and no one. I am ALWAYS the person to turn too, the shoulder to cry on. When is it my turn?

I feel like the real me is about to die and the shell (aka the fake one) is about to just shine and smile 24/7.

I barely cry anymore, when I do, it's only in aproriate moments. Like a funeral, bad news, good news. You know, the times when real people have emotions. I feel like I am on autopilot and I'm not really awake. I just get up and do what I got to do and go back to sleep. I want to drink, smoke and screw around. I feel crazy, I'm told I am, why not start acting like it??

I swear, if I wasn't broke, I would be at a bar right now hitting on the ugliest fuck there and bumming ciggs from everyone. I just don't know what to say to please anyone anymore. I am out of ideas.. Drained..
-Kate