I think it's to much to ask to be loved. No one notices me anymore unless it's to dump on me.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
About to kill myself
Re-cap of yesterday:
I woke up, got screamed at. Went back to sleep crying my eyes out. Woke up, called my dad to pay for my Rx's and went to pick them up. Came home, walked Dopey. Got almost home and had the worst panic attack in my life. I almost passed out, I couldn't breath and I knew people were talking to me but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I got home, my aunt shoved the phone in my face wanting me to talk to her son WHO I SAID I WOULD CALL WHEN I GOT BACK! (Just goes to show, NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS TO ME!)
My Grandfather called 911, only because I choked out for him too. While I sat on the couch trying to breath, using my inhaler, I started passing out. I thought it was an ashma attack so I used my inhaler. Nothing. EMS showed up, my neighbors swarmed the house thinking it was one of my family members. The second my mom said "it's Katie, she can't breath" you could see it all over their faces "oh who cares" and they all walked away. (I know I'm loved.)
They made everyone leave and told me I'm having a panic attack. Hmm, maybe it's because on the way home I was anticipating the screaming and fighting? Maybe it was the knowledge of always being blamed for stuff I haven't done? Who knows. All I know, they had to use oxygen and get me to sit back with my eyes closed. It took about 20 minutes before I was able to breath okay. I started sobbing and they got me calm again.
About 5AM that night, I heard a loud noise in the kitchen. I went out to make sure everything was okay. My Grandfather was so drunk he was clinging to the sink, trying to not fall over. I just sighed and walked away. I don't give a shit anymore. He doesn't remember if anyone helps him or not, so why try?? He doesn't want my help, or any ones for that matter.
Now, I just woke up and I was sitting, calmly, with Dopey in the front room on here, about to write about yesterday and how I am still worried about myself. What happens? I talk to say SIMPLY "I think it was a car" to my Grandmother asking what a noise was. What happens? THEY SCREAM AT ME SAYING I NEED TO SHOW MORE RESPECT AND TALK TO THEM NICELY! I'm so sick and fucking tired of crying my eyes out. Now I'm having panic attack because of them, and it's all because I was heading home. No wonder I'm stressed out and sick to my stomach all the time.
I had just ate too, I threw up what I ate because I got so sick from it. I'm so sick of this bullshit.
Not that anyone reads this or even gives a damn about me anymore. I lost the only two friends I had because I voiced my feelings. I mean, it's no wonder I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I can't even be open with the people I THOUGHT I could trust. I deleted my FB because I have no use for it when I have no friends on there.
Right now, I could walk into the kitchen and slit my throat and no one would give a shit. Sure, they would care about the mess I made with my blood but that is it.
I think one day I'll cry so hard because of them, I'll start crying blood. I really give up on life. I give up on being happy. I'm not going to have the surgery's because it will only make it harder on me to get up and walk away from them. I'm sick of being shut in a tiny, cluttered room everyday until everyone is asleep.
I don't know if my family know I'm even alive, why do I say that? An invite came in for a family party. My crazy Aunt and everyone else was invited. I was excited and when I took it too look at it my mom said "oh, you weren't invited." Goes to show, no one in this family give a shit about me. I'm sick of walking in the shadows and being depressed. Nothing will change that.
I wish Bill and Tom Kaulitz would come and save me..
-Kate
I woke up, got screamed at. Went back to sleep crying my eyes out. Woke up, called my dad to pay for my Rx's and went to pick them up. Came home, walked Dopey. Got almost home and had the worst panic attack in my life. I almost passed out, I couldn't breath and I knew people were talking to me but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I got home, my aunt shoved the phone in my face wanting me to talk to her son WHO I SAID I WOULD CALL WHEN I GOT BACK! (Just goes to show, NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS TO ME!)
My Grandfather called 911, only because I choked out for him too. While I sat on the couch trying to breath, using my inhaler, I started passing out. I thought it was an ashma attack so I used my inhaler. Nothing. EMS showed up, my neighbors swarmed the house thinking it was one of my family members. The second my mom said "it's Katie, she can't breath" you could see it all over their faces "oh who cares" and they all walked away. (I know I'm loved.)
They made everyone leave and told me I'm having a panic attack. Hmm, maybe it's because on the way home I was anticipating the screaming and fighting? Maybe it was the knowledge of always being blamed for stuff I haven't done? Who knows. All I know, they had to use oxygen and get me to sit back with my eyes closed. It took about 20 minutes before I was able to breath okay. I started sobbing and they got me calm again.
About 5AM that night, I heard a loud noise in the kitchen. I went out to make sure everything was okay. My Grandfather was so drunk he was clinging to the sink, trying to not fall over. I just sighed and walked away. I don't give a shit anymore. He doesn't remember if anyone helps him or not, so why try?? He doesn't want my help, or any ones for that matter.
Now, I just woke up and I was sitting, calmly, with Dopey in the front room on here, about to write about yesterday and how I am still worried about myself. What happens? I talk to say SIMPLY "I think it was a car" to my Grandmother asking what a noise was. What happens? THEY SCREAM AT ME SAYING I NEED TO SHOW MORE RESPECT AND TALK TO THEM NICELY! I'm so sick and fucking tired of crying my eyes out. Now I'm having panic attack because of them, and it's all because I was heading home. No wonder I'm stressed out and sick to my stomach all the time.
I had just ate too, I threw up what I ate because I got so sick from it. I'm so sick of this bullshit.
Not that anyone reads this or even gives a damn about me anymore. I lost the only two friends I had because I voiced my feelings. I mean, it's no wonder I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I can't even be open with the people I THOUGHT I could trust. I deleted my FB because I have no use for it when I have no friends on there.
Right now, I could walk into the kitchen and slit my throat and no one would give a shit. Sure, they would care about the mess I made with my blood but that is it.
I think one day I'll cry so hard because of them, I'll start crying blood. I really give up on life. I give up on being happy. I'm not going to have the surgery's because it will only make it harder on me to get up and walk away from them. I'm sick of being shut in a tiny, cluttered room everyday until everyone is asleep.
I don't know if my family know I'm even alive, why do I say that? An invite came in for a family party. My crazy Aunt and everyone else was invited. I was excited and when I took it too look at it my mom said "oh, you weren't invited." Goes to show, no one in this family give a shit about me. I'm sick of walking in the shadows and being depressed. Nothing will change that.
I wish Bill and Tom Kaulitz would come and save me..
-Kate
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Angry
Why is it, that when I tell EVERYONE to leave me alone so I can deal with stuff on my own, and then ignore those who try to reach out to me, they get pissed at me like it's my fault?
When I say "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, FUCK OFF" I don't mean "call me, text me, call my house phone, show up, message me, leave messages on my wall." If you take that as me being rude, harsh, inconsiderate or what ever you think I am being. GUESS WHAT!! YOUR WRONG!! I asked for space, I kept saying I wanted to be left alone and when no one did, I GOT PISSED OFF!
Next time I say "leave me alone" JUST FOR THE RECORD it means LEAVE ME ALONE!!! It does NOT mean call me, text me, message me and what ever else.
HELL!! I DID THIS TO PROTECT MY FRIENDS! TO NOT HURT ANYONE! It is NOT my fault if you didn't listen and therefore, got hurt. Want to end our friendship because YOU didn't listen and thought I was being mean? Go ahead, I don't give a shit. I already deleted your number the second I found out. I just don't give a damn anymore.
From now on, it is only about me. I am only out to make myself happy and take care of only ME from now on. If people get hurt in the process of my journey to happiness, oh well! Don't like it? Fuck off.
-Kate
When I say "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, FUCK OFF" I don't mean "call me, text me, call my house phone, show up, message me, leave messages on my wall." If you take that as me being rude, harsh, inconsiderate or what ever you think I am being. GUESS WHAT!! YOUR WRONG!! I asked for space, I kept saying I wanted to be left alone and when no one did, I GOT PISSED OFF!
Next time I say "leave me alone" JUST FOR THE RECORD it means LEAVE ME ALONE!!! It does NOT mean call me, text me, message me and what ever else.
HELL!! I DID THIS TO PROTECT MY FRIENDS! TO NOT HURT ANYONE! It is NOT my fault if you didn't listen and therefore, got hurt. Want to end our friendship because YOU didn't listen and thought I was being mean? Go ahead, I don't give a shit. I already deleted your number the second I found out. I just don't give a damn anymore.
From now on, it is only about me. I am only out to make myself happy and take care of only ME from now on. If people get hurt in the process of my journey to happiness, oh well! Don't like it? Fuck off.
-Kate
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Sick as a dog
I woke up sick. Throwing up, stomach pain and a horrible headache. Hell, I can't even spell (thankfully, I have spell check!) I don't know why I have to be sick all the time. I have no life because of it. I don't want to go out with people because if something happens, who will take me to the ER/Hospital? I highly doubt someone would want to leave what is going on to sit for hours with me in the ER. (YES I HATE MY MOM) My mom is the only person who would. I could easily get a cab, I just don't feel like paying them.
I have to lay down, so this is incredibly short.
I received a post card today with this written on it
"Hello Kate!
Congratulations on killing Osama Bin Laden!
I'm from Rio!
Have you watched the movie yet?"
Who puts "congrats for killing" on a postcard?! REALLY!?
-Kate
I have to lay down, so this is incredibly short.
I received a post card today with this written on it
"Hello Kate!
Congratulations on killing Osama Bin Laden!
I'm from Rio!
Have you watched the movie yet?"
Who puts "congrats for killing" on a postcard?! REALLY!?
-Kate
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